Seeking Comfort
by Indelible Evidence
Summary: Companion piece to Every Step, but can be read as a stand-alone fic. After Remi learns she's ineligible for a life-saving treatment, she seeks comfort and distraction in Weller's arms. The trouble with distraction, though, is that it doesn't solve the problem, and some distractions leave you more vulnerable than others.


**Author's Note:** I guess this one is kind of a companion piece to _Every Step_. A smutty companion piece, with a ton of angst. :D Since the press release or spoilers or something for 4x05 said that Remi was going to 'find comfort in Kurt's arms', I was hoping for a hint that they might - gasp! - actually film a scene that was a prelude to a sex scene. But they didn't, it was just a hug like the other hugs we've already seen, so I kinda felt a bit cheated.

I don't plan to write a second chapter at the moment, because the Remi-does-bad-things storyline is still unresolved in canon and I don't really have much to contribute towards resolving it on my own. _A Good Husband Would_ kind of deals with that, anyway. This one is pretty much complete.

* * *

The atmosphere in the car on the way home was strained. Remi stared out of the passenger window, using it as an excuse to keep her head turned away from Weller.

Part of her resented the hell out of him right now. She'd been focused on her plan to break out Shepherd, and then he'd sprung this 'potential cure' bullshit on her, distracting her and putting yet another crack in her determination not to hope for anything. Then he'd held her damn hand through the procedure, told her she was strong and she could beat this, and it had all turned out to be for nothing.

Even worse, her back had gone into spasm and she'd almost died in a shootout, and Keaton—the guy who was now in a medically-induced coma because he'd been shot saving her—had been due to take her to see Shepherd tomorrow. She'd wanted to give Shepherd a coded heads-up that rescue was coming, that she should be ready. Now that wasn't gonna happen, and it was all because Weller had made her go to that goddamn appointment.

As Weller slowed to a stop at a red light, he slid his hand onto her lower thigh and squeezed gently. Knowing Jane would appreciate the gesture, she glanced over with as genuine a subdued smile as she could manage, resting her own hand over his.

In moments like this, it was impossible to hate him. He was clearly having a hard time accepting her impending demise, and the depth of his love for Jane still managed to shock her, over three months after she'd woken up to find out she was married to the guy.

The lights changed, and he withdrew his hand reluctantly. Remi ached at the loss of contact, then hated herself for longing for comfort. She was going to die. If she had any choice in the matter, she'd do it on her terms. And she wouldn't have Weller around when it happened—either she and Shepherd would be long gone, or Remi would die in the attempt to free her adopted mother.

And comfort? That wasn't exactly Shepherd's forte. When things got rough, Shepherd got tough. She'd probably have orders for Remi until her last breath. Which was fine with Remi. Anything that kept her occupied, that stopped her from thinking about grim reality, worked for her.

But the way Weller had held her back at the hospital had been…calming. She'd started to lose it, anger bubbling up at the thought of everything she wouldn't have time to do, and he'd pulled her into a hug, telling her everything was going to be okay, that they'd find a way, that she shouldn't lose hope. Despite her scepticism at his words, she'd held him back just as tightly. She'd needed the warmth of his embrace as she'd processed everything.

When they got back to the apartment, Remi hesitated between the kitchen and the bedroom, torn between getting an early night and…what, exactly? What would she do if she stayed awake, besides obsess over her fate?

Weller pulled her into his arms again, and she fell into the embrace without thinking, pressing her face against his neck and squeezing her eyes shut. He took a deep breath, and when he let it go, she noticed that it shook a little. Still letting the instinct for connection override her usual contempt for Weller, she kissed the side of his neck and held on tighter. _I know where Shepherd is now. I might not have time for too many more of these hugs._

Weller tilted his head and kissed _her_ neck in response, and though he clearly wasn't trying anything, his lips sent a light shiver of arousal through her. When her hair had been longer, he'd usually ended up kissing her hair when he did this. His mouth on one of her most sensitive erogenous zones was startlingly erotic.

 _Know what else you'll probably die without doing again?_

She kissed Weller's neck a second time, just because she was going to fucking die and at least she had someone here who gave a damn about it, even if he _did_ think she was Jane.

Weller nuzzled her neck, then nipped her earlobe gently. His quiet voice against her ear just made her more turned on. "What do you need?"

Remi tilted her head and managed to brush her lips across his jawbone, her thoughts blanking out as instinct took over. Weller matched every one of her movements as she slowly kissed and nuzzled a trail to his lips, keeping her eyes closed to shut him out.

 _Oh, god._ He'd kissed her this way before, on the couple of occasions that he'd been trying to convince her he was healed up enough for sex. But she'd never been open to it before. Never been so close to the reality of her own death, or looking so hard for a distraction. And even if she couldn't remember ever having slept with him before, her body seemed to remember exactly what he could do.

She buried her fingers in his hair and kissed him back, hungry for fulfilment, desperate to keep her thoughts at bay. Weller groaned against her mouth at her silent assent, and slid his hands up under her shirt, making her gasp at the slight chill of his hands.

Remi slipped her hands into his back pockets and pressed closer, the hardness of his cock against her lower abdomen making her pulse skip. She rose up on her toes just enough to rub her clit against him, revelling in the stimulation.

Oscar's face flashed through her mind for a second, and she faltered, guilt giving her pause. But just as quickly as the thought had come, she discounted it. She'd always love Oscar, but even when he'd been alive, sleeping with Weller had been part of her plan. They'd agreed on it.

And god, she needed someone to fuck right now. She might as well get something good out of this whole marriage deal.

"You okay?" Weller had sensed her hesitation, and now he was drawing back to get a sense of what had caused it.

She nodded quickly, wanting to shut down any psychoanalysis. "Yeah. I just…had a thought. But I don't wanna think right now, Kurt."

His eyes held so many emotions. Love, concern, desire, grief… Remi was overwhelmed just by looking at him. For her, this was just sex, but for him, it was clearly more.

"Come on. Let's go to bed."

 _God, no._ That was too intimate. There were too many ways for him to try to 'make love' to her if they got horizontal. She couldn't stand it, not the way she felt today.

"No. Here. Bend me over the counter and fuck me." Remi kissed him again the moment the words were out, hoping to overwrite his concerns about her mental state with lust. She was pretty sure she'd just broken out of her Jane character, but at least she had an excuse for acting strange tonight.

To her surprise, Weller laughed against her lips. "Been a while since we last did that."

Before Remi could formulate a response, he pulled her shirt off over her head. "Your back's okay now, right?"

"Yeah. I'm good." It was true. It might hurt a little when he put pressure on it, but she didn't mind a little pain.

She helped him strip out of his hoodie and T-shirt, only breaking off their kisses when they needed to, and then pulled off her sports bra, giving a light moan when Weller immediately dipped his head to take one of her nipples into his mouth. Already, though, she was impatient to have him inside her, and she got to work on freeing his cock from his jeans, murmuring appreciation when Weller took the hint and helped her out of her own pants.

"God, I've missed this," he murmured against her breast, then gave her nipple one final, just-painful-enough nip between his teeth before straightening to kiss her lips again, saving her the need to respond.

Remi finally got her hand into his underwear and stroked his cock slowly from the base up to the tip, satisfaction taking hold when his movements faltered and he sighed against her lips. There was nothing that made her feel more powerful than watching a strong man with a forceful personality shudder with pleasure under her touches. Weller might be suspicious of her and investigating her behind her back, but right now, he'd do anything just to get off.

 _He'd do anything for you. Not just to get off._

She shoved the stray thought away and bit his bottom lip gently. "I'm so ready for you."

As though her words were permission, he stroked between her thighs with a confidence that was completely hot. His touch was just enough to frustrate her without getting her much closer to climax. And when he cursed under his breath when he discovered just how wet she was… _Oh, god._ "Now. I need you in me, right now."

She spun and shoved one of the chairs under the breakfast bar out of the way, leaning over and sticking out her ass invitingly. Weller was right behind her, kicking the rest of his clothes aside as he leaned over her. The brush of his hard-on against her ass made her shiver with anticipation as he kissed the sensitive spot between her shoulder blades.

Remi couldn't help but cry out wordless encouragement as he pushed inside her, his cock filling her completely within a couple of steady, careful thrusts. She rested her face on the counter and held onto the opposite side for purchase, readying herself for more.

Weller drew almost completely out of her, then returned, more forceful than before. Remi arched her back, changing the angle as he moved until she knew he'd be hitting the right spot with every thrust. "Mmmm, there."

"Hard and fast as last time?" His words sounded like a challenge, low and amused.

"If you can manage it," she taunted him, unable to stop herself. Jane couldn't have been more into rough sex than she could, right?

He laughed softly. "Yes, ma'am."

When he began to take her, faster than before, but not much harder, she fought the urge to laugh at her own worry. It felt good, and she could definitely get off this way, but it wasn't what she'd expected from his words.

Then he kicked it up a gear, and Remi held on tighter to the table, the breath shocked out of her lungs with the intensity of his thrusts. _Oh, god… Oh, fuck, yes, this is what I need…_

"God, me too," he gritted out, without slowing his rhythm, and she realised she'd said the words aloud.

She felt a flash of mortification at letting him know just how much she wanted this, but his cock quickly drove away any thoughts except the most basic: Y _es. More. So good. Want this. Need this._

Her pleasure built fast, leaving her gasping and trembling on the edge of climax, clawing desperately towards something she just couldn't reach. She gave a frustrated sob, rocking back against Weller every time he drove inside her, needing this release, yet somehow blocked from reaching it.

She let go of the counter with one hand, meaning to touch herself, but Weller beat her to it, cupping her mound and continuing to pound into her between his own fingers. The indirect stimulation was too damn perfect, and finally she lost control, the orgasm even stronger than she was hoping for.

As she clung to the counter and trembled with delicious aftershocks, Weller climaxed in a series of rough, rhythmic thrusts that complemented her own pleasure, then collapsed onto her back and went still, his cock still deep inside her. They panted for breath, his weight on her more reassuring than claustrophobia-inducing, and Remi slowly released her death grip on the countertop, sighing.

"I love you so much," he murmured, trailing soft kisses over her back as he began to lift his weight off her.

"I love you, too." Why did she suddenly want to burst into tears? She was just saying what Jane would say.

Weller carefully withdrew from her, then helped her straighten up and wrapped his arms around her again. "C'mon."

Before she could ask what he meant, he swept her up like she was a bride being carried over the threshold, making her gasp. If she hadn't still been recovering from that amazing orgasm, she would have kicked and fought to be let down onto her feet again, but she just didn't have the energy. She let him carry her into the bedroom and tenderly set her down.

The comforter he spread over her was light enough not to overheat her, but cosy enough to stop her from getting chilly as her body cooled. As she became more and more aware that she'd just fucked Weller, she was also glad to be able to cover up her body. Why did she feel so ridiculously vulnerable now? It was just sex. Her body had needed to get off. Her mind had needed to _switch_ off. There was nothing else to it.

Except that when he slid under the comforter with her, she wrapped her arms around him and hung on like he was her safe harbour. Words bubbled up in her throat, and she swallowed them down before she could actually say any of them. _I'm so scared. I don't want to die. Thank you for caring about me. You shouldn't. I'm poison and I'll only destroy your life._

"It's okay if you need to cry."

"I don't." She tried to pull away, to run away from this conversation, but he held on tightly, and she couldn't bring herself to struggle.

"I know you don't like to. That you grew up being told emotion was weakness. But you know I'll never judge you. Hell, you've seen me cry more times than I can count. But you…you always hold back."

It was true. She'd been disgusted by his weakness when she'd first seen him in tears, but he didn't seem ashamed of it. Remi kind of envied him that freedom to admit his feelings. It was something she and Roman had never had. And it made a weird kind of sense that she hadn't even cried around anyone when she was Jane. That training was ingrained in her, memories or no memories.

There was a dull, heavy ache in her chest, almost physical, but not quite. She wanted to rip it out of her, throw it away, but she didn't have any way to do that. It was unbearable.

"I'll never think less of you for crying, Jane. Especially not over something like this." He was stroking her hair in a soothing, repetitive motion, but it was only making her feel more like fucking crying, and she _couldn't—_

Remi held her breath, knowing that if she let it out, her walls would crumble. She had so much she refused to cry about. The friends she'd lost, either dead or imprisoned. The fiancé she'd murdered with her own hands. Her brother's death, and Shepherd's incarceration.

And now she was dying. And the man she wanted to blame for all of it was doing everything in his power to save her life, because he loved her.

Not her. _Jane._

The bitterness she felt that this devotion Weller was showing her wasn't even aimed at her—that was the last straw. Everything was so hopeless, and she'd thought sex would be stress relief, but it had just made things worse. Weller had made her body feel incredible, but her mind was twisted into knots and her resolve was wavering, and she felt so fucking _weak_ …

Her breath exploded from her in a quiet but forceful sob, and she wanted to scream at her involuntary betrayal of her feelings. Weller just gathered her closer and kissed the top of her head, and something deep within her ached and struggled and yearned to be honest with him, about everything.

But she couldn't. He'd stop her from freeing Shepherd. He wouldn't understand what needed to be done.

That just made her cry harder.

True to his word, Weller just held her until her tears had subsided, not judging her or trying to get her to talk. When she struggled to sit up, he didn't stop her, just took her hand as she reached for a tissue and tried to gather her dignity again.

When Remi looked over at him, unnerved by his silence, she realised he'd been crying with her, and the ache in her chest burrowed deeper. She passed him the box of tissues without saying a word, then put on her robe and went to the bathroom to wash her tearstained face and get ready for bed.

When she looked in the mirror, she didn't recognise herself. Instead of Remi, she saw Jane. Sure, she looked the same on the outside, but Jane was inherently weak. She could see that weakness in her eyes now.

Even so, now that she'd cried, she had to admit she felt lighter, as though it had actually done some good. Or maybe that was just the sex.

She was through thinking about any of it tonight. Averting her gaze from her reflection, she brushed her teeth and got ready for bed, then steeled herself and went back into the bedroom.

Weller was sitting up in bed. He gave her a small smile and held out his hand. "Feel any better?"

 _Act like Jane._

She sat on the edge of the bed and took his hand. "A little. Sorry about…that."

"You don't have to apologise, Jane. I'm glad you finally let me in."

Remi couldn't bear to keep going with this conversation. It would only make her feel deceitful, or worse—guilty. She forced a smile. "I think I just want to go to sleep. It's been a pretty emotional day."

"You don't want to eat first?" he asked, concerned. "I can make you something. You don't even have to get up."

She shook her head. "I'm more tired than hungry. You should eat, though." _Please. I need space._

Weller nodded. "I will. I wanted to say goodnight first, though."

Remi returned his slow, loving kiss, unable to help enjoying it a little. "Goodnight," she whispered, when they broke off.

She got into bed as Weller got up and pulled on some underwear. Curling up, facing away from him, she tried to look like she was already most of the way to sleep, hoping it would dissuade him from any more interaction.

"I'll try not to wake you when I come back to bed," he said softly, touching her shoulder. Obviously, he wasn't fooled by her act.

Remi didn't say anything, once again feeling too raw to speak.

Weller kissed the top of her head. "I love you. Nothing you can do will change that."

As he turned off the bedroom lamp and left the room, Remi stared into the gloom, suddenly wide awake.

How much did he know? How much had she inadvertently let slip tonight? And what the fuck was she going to do about the conflicted emotions swirling inside her?


End file.
